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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The advisement email

So I have somewhat advised my mom of the change that is about to take place. Here is a copy and paste of the email:

Go ahead and forward this to Dad because you will anyway. Even though this has nothing to do with him. 

I'm not sure how long you plan on giving me the cold shoulder. I don't know what you're expecting of me. I said some things that made you upset. I'm not sure why you are giving me the cold shoulder. This all started when I asked a simple question about the laundry detergent. 

All I know is that since the blow up I've been treated with hostility. I stated exactly how I felt. I'm not going to apologize for anything. Especially since I don't know what I'd be apologizing for. 

I'm tired of this circular fight we go through. It's not healthy and I don't deserve to feel like I'm living in a place where people can't stand my being there. 

If this continues there will be a change. One that cannot be reversed. If this comes to be then you will have to do what you purport. If you are a better mother than me you will definitely be given the chance to show this. Of course this might have been what you wanted all along. To make me feel so hated and unwanted that I felt I have no choice but to leave. 

Be advised you are running out of time if this is not true. Sending Dad in to intimidate me into compliance will not work this time. I'm not a tool so don't treat me like one. And no, I will not tell you when the change will happen but you will know it when it does. 

Stupid huh?!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Off subject

I know I was doing my history from birth til now but I need to get these thoughts out of my head or they are going to eat me alive. It's not a big surprise to many of you that might read this that I'm going through a bit of a rough patch with my family, my health, and my son's behavior. The relationship between my parents and I (I currently live in the basement of a 3 story house with my son), is not healthy in the least. We keep bumping heads on many things. I think a lot of it comes from the battle for dominance in the household. When I am at work though (right now I'm on short term disability for a problem with my anemia), I pay my mother to watch Jake after school. For those of you who don't know, Jake (Jacob) is my 5 almost 6 year old son. He is high-functioning autistic, and though I love him very much he has a tendency to wear on people's nerves quickly. Especially mine, he knows exactly what button to push and when to push it. But that's a different blog at maybe some other time. My health has not been what it should be recently. I have been in and out of the hospital as of late because of iron-deficiency anemia. Almost 3 weeks ago I had an iron infusion to correct the issue. I'm supposed to return to work in late April, it is now late March. I'm feeling a little bit better I guess. But mentally I'm having some issues. In and out of sleep, sleep for at max 4 hours and then I'm awake again. Which then causes me to be cranky cause my body is tired but my mind won't shut off. All these things have culminated together, and have made me start thinking about bad things. Things I know I should not do, but feel I have no other choice. it has gone beyond just thinking. More like planning. In April before I return to work my son and I are set to go on a cruise. I know sounds like a great time. Which I truly hope it is. That's about the only thing I can see right now that might stop me from my current course. The plan so far still has some things that need to be resolved, like my intolerance for pain and the ability to access some of the things necessary. For those of you who are reading this, you might be confused as to what I'm talking about. But some of you, those who have gone through this yourself (or at least attempted) know exactly what I'm referring to. I don't like the word because everytime I mention I get a lecture from my parents and get told to suck it up. Well damn it I'm tired of trying to suck it up. Everybody has their frigging limits. I'm spent! I feel like I've gone through a lifetime of hell, and though try as I might to get over these problems that come my way I just keep getting pushed back further and further. My answer (crass though it is) is suicide. If I can find a way to reduce the amount of pain I feel then I'll have my answer. Truthfully, if I could manage it I would have it look like an accident because of the life insurance policy out on my head...I plan on my on demise. I will tell you what parts of my plan I have put together though. Morbid though it may be I feel a need to plot it out.
Who: (DUH) Me
When: After I come back from the cruise, I return on April 23rd. So possibly the 24th because I'm set to return to work on the 25th.
What: Contemplating sleeping pills and A LOT of pain meds or the messier usage of my father's revolver (that the access problem, he has it locked up and I don't know where the key is).
I've tried slitting my wrists before and my pain tolerance is just weak enough that I couldn't cut deep enough. I've tried sleeping pills before...I don't think I took enough that time. I was heaving for a day. My brother should remember he's the one who took me to the hospital, where a social worker then belittled me. GREAT FUCKING IDEA! Make me feel worse ya dumb shit. As for making it look like an accident the only thing I can think of is to have a car accident or something along those lines on the 24th. Shit that's Easter Sunday how morbidly appropriate.... It will be interesting to see if ANYBODY reads this and then responds. I don't think they will. I can't tell my parents that I'm thinking about killing myself because they think I'm full of shit everytime even though I've attempted twice and got damn close once. I don't have any friends to talk to about this. I don't mention it on facebook because that seems to dramatic. I'd rather noone really notice. I wonder if they would notice though, if after my cruise I just never came back because I had killed myself. Probably not. They have busy lives with plenty of things to think about besides the depressing golem in the background. Hell half the time I feel I'm vicariously and temporarily happy through them. When they have happy moments I try to share in it by commenting and congratulating. Whatever small victories I have over my own life doesn't amount to much because it is then circumvented by something or someone else. Truth be told I try to be as happy as I can be on facebook but noone sees the tears or hears the screams. Not really they don't. Yeah I'll put little statuses saying that I'm having a hard time of it with someone or something but that is only a small part of how I truly feel. I'm so frustrated and exhausted from trying to fix things that when something new does happen I want to deck someone. Or hurt someone...most especially myself because it's my fault all this shit is happening. I don't know what else to do, so I'm writing all this shit here hoping it would make me feel better but it didn't if anything I feel worse. I've never felt so truly alone in all my life. The only person I feel for that might react to this is Jacob. I know he loves me, that's another reason why I'm waiting til after the cruise. I want him to have that magic time to remember me. Consider it my going away vacation...the vacation I never come back from. Well now I've said and now I'll post it. If you decide you want to reply to this post then do me and you a favor don't flame me. I'm being honest about how I feel. Don't belittle my feelings. They'll just get deleted. On a side note, don't send the men with the white jackets yet. Like I said, it won't be til after the cruise so I have about a month left. I will not hold my breath that I have ANY readers of this though. If I do it means people care more about me than I originally thought. If you are finding this post mortem, know that I love you for finding this it means you cared enough to look.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

1994 7th grade Idaho

I'm gonna do this chronologically (or at least try to) year by year, starting in 1994 when we arrived there. Here we go.

1994 - My 7th grade year, when we moved to Idaho we were originally in these tiny apartments off of Maple Grove that to my knowledge are still there. For a family of 4 at least they were small. I remember my first night in this apartment I had a nightmare oddly about Chucky (Child's Play), my stuffed animals were promptly put back in a box. The first junior high I went to (for a month), was West Junior High School. My first day I was given an ambassador, Denice Talkington (many of you know her). She led me around from class to class, introduced me to her friends (which did not go over so well). Keep in mind this is November, and the first time I actually ever experienced Winter weather. I was a little overdressed looking back, but back then I was scared of the ice. I remember my first ice slip, getting off the bus going into West. Snow boots are useless in icy conditions but many of you already know that. I didn't...stupid Floridian. After about a month, we moved yet again, clear across town near the railroad track. I was now in East Junior High territory, so I transferred. Let me just say this, my first bus ride to East was very interesting. I met a girl, again many of you know her. Brandy McKee (at the time), she was technically supposed to go to South but had special permissions granted by the principal to attend East because of a situation with some of the kids at South. Anyways, I'm sitting on the bus just staring out the window, trying to familiarize myself with the new area. When PLOP! Down sits Brandy. She looks at me and says, "Hi! What's your name? I'm Brandy. Move over a bit I need more room." Thus starting the beginning of a very LONG friendship (though I don't know where she is now). Brandy is, and probably always will be a very talkative person. Yes, she has her issues but all in all, I think most of what she does is done with good intentions. That's the optimist side of myself. Through Brandy, I made a whole bunch of new friends. I was amazed. I went from a loner to someone who actually had someone to talk to at lunch. My cronies then were Brandy, Joy, Lisa, Mary, and Shelly. That's the most I'd ever had before, so I was amazed. Things went South they always do. Girls are drama queens. And 7th grade is like the beginning of war for many of us. Especially in my case, I soon learned do not trust them just because they call themselves your friend. A little side story to this one, though none of you reading this will know who I'm talking about because I've lost contact with all the East people I went to school with. One of my electives in 7th grade was choir. It was my first class in the morning. I was an Alto...still am. In this class was a smorgasbord of people. Joy, one of my cronies (a alto too), was in the class with me. This is where I discovered my first real crush. I'm not going to say his name, I will refer to him as L.C. which are his initials. He and I were friends, close friends. So I gambled, I wrote him a note (how stereotypical of me), and expressed how I felt for him. To my amazement, he wrote back the next morning in a note as well. To my delight he said he felt the same way. I spoke with him briefly about it and we became an "official" couple. We just hadn't told anyone else yet. This is where things go bad...real bad. Remember supposed friend. I made the mistake of telling her that he and I were technically together we just weren't telling everyone yet. So what does she do? She gets on a cafeteria table and shouts (literally shouts) that L.C. and I are dating. Frigging wonderful. L.C. is in the cafeteria at this time. He walks over to me, takes the note out of my hands and rips it up. Probably the shortest relationship I've ever had. Now of course, I'm angry and upset. In the span of maybe an hour, I went from having a boyfriend to losing the boyfriend and his friendship as well. Joy is now the enemy. Things get worse here. In hindsight I realize I overreacted to this but back then this felt like the end of the world to me. Drama drama drama. Ugh. I was very upset because of the betrayal and the loss of a friend as well. Socially I was underdeveloped. I at this time confided in Brandy that I was thinking of taking my life. She did the right thing. She told a school counselor who then dragged my ass into her office. As well as called my Mom down from her new job (sorry Mom). I was counseled and my mom was angry. My reaction to all of this was bad for Joy. I confronted her on her actions (again in the cafeteria at lunch). She stands up and pours chocolate milk on my newly permed hair. I WAS SEEING RED NOW!! The rest of it is a blur though I do remember crippling her by applying pressure to the brachial plexus (google it). 3 days of in-house detention for me. She got suspended. HAHA! It goes on though, the school then called for a peer mediation between Joy and I to smooth things out. We did....just to shut up the school. We eventually started talking again more once time had passed. L.C. never did talk to me again, and last I heard was he and his mom had gotten evicted from the trailer park they were living in. Maybe Joy did me a favor on that one?? Anyways, with all this going on my grades (which were never good to begin with) are suffering even more. Mr. Senkbeil (science teacher) called my parents at home to talk to them. This got me grounded, as well as I could not go to the Halloween dance. So now I'm mad at my parents cause I think they're being cruel (I know better now). My reaction (again overreaction) was to runaway. TO THE AIRPORT. Those of you who live in Boise are probably laughing your asses off right now thinking of this 12 year old with her backpack on her back traveling Vista at night trying to make it to the airport in hopes that she will be able to stow away back to Florida. Holy cow I was a dreamer. What scared me into going back, and I'm not sure why was a dead cat on the side of Vista. Somehow roadkill is a reflection on this and it scared me into going home. Either way I got back home. First person I see is my Dad, and it breaks my heart even to this day to say he was crying. Hopefully he doesn't get angry at me for posting this, but I hate it when my Dad cries. It's kryptonite to me. Like right now I'm remembering it and I'm crying. He sees me, crosses the living room in two steps and hugs me. He then calls the police and tells them that I have returned. He had called them because I had technically run away. The rest of the year I cordoned myself off from social things. I only went to one dance, and that was the Valentine's dance. Which I impositioned myself on Joy (we were talking again by this time) and made myself a 3rd wheel with her then boy toy Logan. Joy is not a good girl and she comes in and out of my life many times. So get used to hearing that name if you are going to read the continuing years. My grades did finally go up and I graduated out of 7th grade and into the 8th grade. Which was again to be at East. But that is 1995 - 1996 8th grade which will be in the next post.

Princess Peach (birth to 12) a brief history

Only reason I am giving a life history of myself is so that everyone is on the same page when they think about my history. So I will start at the beginning. May 28, 1982 in West Palm Beach, Florida, I was born at 6:33 p.m. to my mother (Carla) and my father (Michael - prefers Mike). For the most part I had a mundane childhood, nothing really sticks out too much in my mind. As for what kind of child I was, my own perspective was that I was a quiet child.

I did not have many friends, I generally kept to myself. From the very beginning as a young girl, I was always on the chunky side. This did not help the situation at school; kids are cruel. It certainly didn't give me any incentive to try to reach out and gain friends. As for activities as a child, there were a few extra curricular activities I participated in. As long as I can remember I was in Girl Scouts, started as a Daisy and by the time we left Florida (I'll get to this part eventually) my last position was a Cadet. Sadly, I was a loner at these functions as well, I didn't see a need to talk to people who seemed obsessed over stupid things like "New Kids on the Block" back then. (Now I feel old.) I was not much of an athlete, but there were some things I enjoyed doing. From age 6 to 12, I was on a bowling league. I loved my Saturday morning bowling. These were the only kids I felt at ease with, not to mention they had Saturday morning cartoons playing on a big screen behind us while we waited for our turn. Saturday mornings were a ritual for our family. I thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. In the morning (around 8) we would get up and go to a restaurant named Rod's (now closed). When I got there I ALWAYS got there biscuits and gravy (I think there was crack in the gravy it was addictive). Then after that we headed straight to the bowling center which was maybe a mile away, we'd go to the lane our team had been assigned to. Generally there were match ups between the two leagues that were playing side by side. The winner of the game set was the team with the best average. A game set consists of 3 games back to back. Our team was pretty good, not the worst, not the best. I was there for the fun and that's what it was. After the games we would all pile back in the Cherokee and go to Dunkin Donuts and meet up with my parents' friends. My family were regulars at this donut shop, and so were our friends. Probably my closest "friend" during my childhood, was one of the daughters of my parents' friends. Her name is Samantha, she has a sister name Breanna. Parents were Danny and Patty. There are others at the donut shop as well, like Cooter, Bill, Jill, VJ, Shirley, and Lynn. Most of these people have now passed on :(. We were all part of a camping club. By camping club, I mean all of us would go to the same campground and get multiple sites near each other and stay for a few days. I have many stories about these trips, but I'll go into those separately in other posts. One other extracurricular activity I had for one year of my life. In 6th grade, I was part of a softball team. I played many positions; catcher, right outfield, left outfield, and 1st base (very few times). Once I finally learned how to hit I had a lot of fun. Amazingly enough our team came in 3rd place for state championship here. Something else I forgot to mention about the bowling, but I want to cause I'm proud of it. When I was 12 (this is before we moved - same year though) I was sent to Winter Gardens, Florida for State Championship for my center for the Juniors division. Yeah I didn't do well. I was scared to death and kept shaking. But heck still proud of it all the same.

Scholastically was different. I did not like school in the least. When I was in elementary school at H.L. Johnson, I felt that many of my teachers were against me. In the second grade, there was a parent teacher conference held to discuss my "issues" of paying attention. (My mother had me tested for ADD, Doc said if I was it was very mildly.) So a lovely device (sarcasm) was employed to keep me "on task". These were referred to the appropriately named On Task Sheet. This sheet consisted of 8 boxes, 4 columns, 2 rows. Everytime I was caught not doing what I was supposed to do or daydreaming a big X was put in a box. Degrading to say the least. To boot, as it went on the more X's I got I started to lose privileges at home. My parents had to sign the on task sheet every night. The penalties were things like having no TV, no second helpings (I told you I was a chunky girl), going to bed 1 hour early, and lastly going to bed 2 hours early. This started in the 2nd grade and didn't stop until the 4th grade. Not sure why it stopped cause the problem still existed. Maybe the teacher didn't want to be bothered with marking my sheet (I didn't like and still don't like my 4th grade teacher, she had favorites). That pretty much covers the basics of my early childhood, until early 7th grade.

In 1994, there was some heavy problems at the place my father was working at. Additionally, he wanted a safer lifestyle for his children (my brother, Chris and I). So he started sending out resumes. Mid 1994, he got a phone call from a company called Micron. Many of you reading this know that name all too well. They flew my parents to Idaho so my father could interview for a position there. We stayed at Lynn's house and took advantage of her pool. 3 days later, my father comes back beaming. My mom is all aflutter with info on Boise, Idaho. My reaction to the possibility is not a happy one. I'm happy where I am, to hell with a safer lifestyle. I wanted Florida. My brother was indifferent on the subject, he was only 6 or 7 at the time. Though he remained a pretty aloof person. We waited about a week. I came home one day from school, and find my father at home with my mother. Micron offered him the position. Don't get me wrong I love the people I have met in Idaho as they have shaped me in so many ways. But my allegiance will forever be with Florida. I love the Sunshine State. I did not react well to their news of moving to the Gem State. And when it was found out at school that I was moving to a state known for its potatoes...well let the heckling begin. (Good taters though.) We left our homestead on Mango, late October and drove cross country in two vehicles. Mazda truck and an Explorer (Exploder). My cats did not like the trip (I had two, Bootsie and Elvira). My first vision of Idaho, was a desolate one, and oddly stereotypical of a desert state. As we were going down the highway had several tumbleweeds following along with us that blustery afternoon. October 26, 1994 we had arrived. My Dad started at Micron on that very Halloween. That ends this chapter of my life. See the next portion for 12 to 27 from Idaho to Virginia. So much for brief.