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Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Off subject

I know I was doing my history from birth til now but I need to get these thoughts out of my head or they are going to eat me alive. It's not a big surprise to many of you that might read this that I'm going through a bit of a rough patch with my family, my health, and my son's behavior. The relationship between my parents and I (I currently live in the basement of a 3 story house with my son), is not healthy in the least. We keep bumping heads on many things. I think a lot of it comes from the battle for dominance in the household. When I am at work though (right now I'm on short term disability for a problem with my anemia), I pay my mother to watch Jake after school. For those of you who don't know, Jake (Jacob) is my 5 almost 6 year old son. He is high-functioning autistic, and though I love him very much he has a tendency to wear on people's nerves quickly. Especially mine, he knows exactly what button to push and when to push it. But that's a different blog at maybe some other time. My health has not been what it should be recently. I have been in and out of the hospital as of late because of iron-deficiency anemia. Almost 3 weeks ago I had an iron infusion to correct the issue. I'm supposed to return to work in late April, it is now late March. I'm feeling a little bit better I guess. But mentally I'm having some issues. In and out of sleep, sleep for at max 4 hours and then I'm awake again. Which then causes me to be cranky cause my body is tired but my mind won't shut off. All these things have culminated together, and have made me start thinking about bad things. Things I know I should not do, but feel I have no other choice. Ok...so it has gone beyond just thinking. More like planning. In April before I return to work my son and I are set to go on a cruise. I know sounds like a great time. Which I truly hope it is. That's about the only thing I can see right now that might stop me from my current course. The plan so far still has some things that need to be resolved, like my intolerance for pain and the ability to access some of the things necessary. For those of you who are reading this, you might be confused as to what I'm talking about. But some of you, those who have gone through this yourself (or at least attempted) know exactly what I'm referring to. I don't like the word because everytime I mention I get a lecture from my parents and get told to suck it up. Well damn it I'm tired of trying to suck it up. Everybody has their frigging limits. I'm spent! I feel like I've gone through a lifetime of hell, and though try as I might to get over these problems that come my way I just keep getting pushed back further and further. My answer (crass though it is) is suicide. If I can find a way to reduce the amount of pain I feel then I'll have my answer. Truthfully, if I could manage it I would have it look like an accident because of the life insurance policy out on my head...I plan on my on demise. I will tell you what parts of my plan I have put together though. Morbid though it may be I feel a need to plot it out.
Who: (DUH) Me
When: After I come back from the cruise, I return on April 23rd. So possibly the 24th because I'm set to return to work on the 25th.
What: Contemplating sleeping pills and A LOT of pain meds or the messier usage of my father's revolver (that the access problem, he has it locked up and I don't know where the key is).
I've tried slitting my wrists before and my pain tolerance is just weak enough that I couldn't cut deep enough. I've tried sleeping pills before...I don't think I took enough that time. I was heaving for a day. My brother should remember he's the one who took me to the hospital, where a social worker then belittled me. GREAT FUCKING IDEA! Make me feel worse ya dumb shit. As for making it look like an accident the only thing I can think of is to have a car accident or something along those lines on the 24th. Shit that's Easter Sunday how morbidly appropriate.... It will be interesting to see if ANYBODY reads this and then responds. I don't think they will. I can't tell my parents that I'm thinking about killing myself because they think I'm full of shit everytime even though I've attempted twice and got damn close once. I don't have any friends to talk to about this. I don't mention it on facebook because that seems to dramatic. I'd rather noone really notice. I wonder if they would notice though, if after my cruise I just never came back because I had killed myself. Probably not. They have busy lives with plenty of things to think about besides the depressing golem in the background. Hell half the time I feel I'm vicariously and temporarily happy through them. When they have happy moments I try to share in it by commenting and congratulating. Whatever small victories I have over my own life doesn't amount to much because it is then circumvented by something or someone else. Truth be told I try to be as happy as I can be on facebook but noone sees the tears or hears the screams. Not really they don't. Yeah I'll put little statuses saying that I'm having a hard time of it with someone or something but that is only a small part of how I truly feel. I'm so frustrated and exhausted from trying to fix things that when something new does happen I want to deck someone. Or hurt someone...most especially myself because it's my fault all this shit is happening. I don't know what else to do, so I'm writing all this shit here hoping it would make me feel better but it didn't if anything I feel worse. I've never felt so truly alone in all my life. The only person I feel for that might react to this is Jacob. I know he loves me, that's another reason why I'm waiting til after the cruise. I want him to have that magic time to remember me. Consider it my going away vacation...the vacation I never come back from. Well now I've said and now I'll post it. If you decide you want to reply to this post then do me and you a favor don't flame me. I'm being honest about how I feel. Don't belittle my feelings. They'll just get deleted. On a side note, don't send the men with the white jackets yet. Like I said, it won't be til after the cruise so I have about a month left. I will not hold my breath that I have ANY readers of this though. If I do it means people care more about me than I originally thought. If you are finding this post mortem, know that I love you for finding this it means you cared enough to look.

3 comments:

  1. I...have been there, although I never really tried. I scared the bejeebus out of my mother once, discussing all the ways to commit suicide and the various reasons why I couldn't do them. I was in college, so she called my RA. I wasn't really serious, serious about doing it - it was just an option for me. A plan. I do better when I have a plan.

    I'm sorry things have reached this point. It's a hard spot to be in, and even harder when you don't have a familial support system. Is there any way for you to get to a counselor, or the suicide lines? Just...talk to someone, please. You have Jake, and he needs you, and while I realize that seems like more pressure, know that you are important to him. What happens to him if you're gone - your mom takes him? Is that going to be at all good for him?

    I know, I know, being an adult SUCKS and it's tiring living your life for other people. I wish I had magic words to make it all better, but I really really don't. I have no solutions, no words, nothing. I can sit here and send you virtual hugs, let you know you have a sympathetic and understanding ear to yell in, and someone who cares what happens to you. I hope you don't go through with this and that you can get some help somehow.

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  2. Talking to one of the lines is only a bandaid. The people I need to care and worry about are the same ones who think I'm blowing smoke. All this boils down to feeling unloved, abused, and belittled. The only way that is going to change is if they stop thinking I'm lying. They need to take some accountability for how they make others feel because they have an opinion outside theirs is expressed. They act like children and throw temper tantrums when they are told no. My mom is the worst. I tell her my opinion in something that differs from her own she starts to pout. Then she starts to cry. Then she starts to call me names and scream at me. If all that doesn't work she sends me Dad in to intimidate me. If that doesn't work it turns into the cold shoulder until I crack and adhere to her whim. I'm not doing the last one anymore. She hasn't talked to me since March 18th. I'm so tired of her frigging mind games. A mom should not do this to her children no matter their age.

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  3. Agreed. And thus...well, I tend to be a brutally honest person, and I shan't share my thoughts with you unless you really want to know them. I'm not sure you WANT to hear what I have to say. If you do, let me know...and know that I don't say them because I'm mean or heartless, but because I believe in taking charge of your own life and I hate seeing others hurt.

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